wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
