I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
this is an emotional support booty call
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
