life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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