dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
