I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize