I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
