We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
