So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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