good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
