My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
