i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
