everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
