Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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