True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
