Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
