your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
