I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
