On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize