you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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