y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
