I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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