covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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