hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
