I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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