ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
