I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize