You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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