my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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