Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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