I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
