I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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