Girls should come with a carfax report
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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