You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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