I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
