I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize