Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
