I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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