for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
