My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
