please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
