My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
