It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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