nut hugger
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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