I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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