dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
