apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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