I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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