I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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