i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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