I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think your dad took our porno
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
