Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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