I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
