I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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