I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
