i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
