I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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