I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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