I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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