Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
is that a dick in a sweater?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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