why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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